League of Nations Attacked by Pirates

An alternate title might be "Jolly Rogers Go!"

On May 24th, I was privy to a rare European tradition - yes, not just English, but European. It is an international phenomenon that defines how these loose and ragtag countries, so often divided because of religious or ethnic differences, find a way to keep together towards a common goal.

And that phenomenon is: Eurovision.

There are many defintions of the Eurovision Song Contest - here's what wikipedia told me about the history:


Eurovision was started in the 50's as an attempt to get a war-torn Europe together again, when international broadcasting was still a huge feat. It was held in Switzerland, and countries submitted songs that competed for votes, whoever got the most, won. Switzerland won the first time around. As it became easier to broadcast, the phenomenon grew. Voting became more of an event, and while the votes were being tallied, there were interval acts, including the first ever performance of Riverdance.


But that's just history. I'll sum up the one I was given by my hosts, Michael Sykes and James McIntosh, as they hosted their Eurovision Party:


Eurovision is basically an American Idol for all of Europe. Each country submits a song, and each country votes via calling on who they want to win - but you CAN'T VOTE FOR YOUR OWN COUTNRY. Each country "tallies" their own votes, and awards seven countries between 1-7 points. Each country's top three get 8, 10, and 12 points, and these are the highly contested rankings, because after all the countries have submitted their scores, whoever has the most wins. It would be like each state in the US submitting a song to American Idol, and then voting on which song would win. The songs go through elimination rounds, and at the finals someone wins. Last year there was a big upset because Serbia won, and now the finals (which I saw) are held in Belgrade, which makes everything interesting because Kosovo is now a seperate country and all.

That said, it's the most political voting ever. Regions always vote for each other - the Balkans usually stick together, the Norse always vote for each other, and the former Soviet States always keep their points within the former Eastern Bloc. Voters use current events to determine their votes as well - the year the UK went into Iraq, nobody voted for it. Also, there're plenty of countries involved in Eurovision that aren't actually in Europe, many of which are seen as diplomatic moves. Azerbaijan submitted a song that made it to the last round. So did Israel.

And, on top of that, Germany, the UK, France and Spain, because they're the main financial backers, are gaurunteed slots in the final round. So, none of these countries take the contest seriously at all. And so, Spain, Germany, France and the UK never get any votes (except maybe the odd sympathy vote.) Also, there's an Irish commentator named Terry who is the only real reason to watch Eurovision, because he's been there for years and is so completely jaded by the whole thing.

However, for the rest of Europe, it is a serious occasion. Lots of countries put lots of money into making sure that their Eurovision song will win.


So, on May 24th, or whenever the finals are held, it is customary, at least in England, to get together with a bunch of friends, drink, and watch Eurovision. Internationally, there are entire clubs devoted to Eurovision - parties in the streets of nations' capitals. Last night, a serious drama unfolded before us. Here're some of the entires we saw:

Spain's Entry - "brikindans" is "breakdance," "crusaito" is like a box-step, "miqualyason" is Michael Jackson, and you can figure out the fourth part.

Russia's Entry - which features an Olympic figure skater.

Greece's Entry - keep an eye out for the lightning fast costume change, and also listen to the singer's accent. Sound familiar (she's actually American)?

Ukraine's Entry - "I'm gonna strike like thunder!"

Georgia's Entry - Check out the costumes, and the SHEET!

Obviously there're a couple of rules to the genre of a Eurovision song. A costume change, a key change, a pop dance move, special effects, and so on. Coutnries like Denmark tried to break these rules, but it didn't end up really paying off for them.

For the votes, the show went to a broadcaster in each voting country (so lots), and they'd announce who got their 8, 10, and 12 points. Odd moves happened, like Serbia giving their 12 to Bosnia-Herzogovina, and vice versa - these people had just been ethnically clensing you for years, and you give them your 12? People I was watching with suggested it was probably part of the peace treaty. They'd also shout and bet to see who was going to give the UK points ("Come on Greece! We gave you Byron, you fuckers!"). The Eastern Bloc sucked up big time to old mother Russia, and Serbia in general got the odd 8 or 10 for hosting the contest. From Jerusalem, Israel's announcer gave the 12 to Russia - the Holy Land giving their 12 to what used to be the most violently secular of secular states. The only country that voted fairly, based on the quality of the songs, was Switzerland.

Ultimately Greece and Russia were neck and neck, but suddenly Russia pulled ahead, and Greece ended up in third. Is this the harbringer of a return of the Reds? I'm going to get out my list of known communists involved in Eurovision and make my way to the Senate...

There was, however, one unsung hero of the whole night. If you watch only one of the things on this entry, watch this. It is a song that should have won by any proper standard, but didn't, probably because of the freaking communists, was:

Latvia

And you know the only people with true taste who gave them a 12? Ireland.